EFFin’ Unsound

– posted by thehim

I’m not sure what to make of this guest editorial in the PI from this past weekend. 

Boarding the Island Adventure Cruiser in Everett, our two daughters’ excitement was infectious. We were all anxious to chuck our land legs for an overdue play date with nature.

Hopefully not the Neal Horsley kind of play date with nature.

The cheerful captain gave a monologue of instructions infused with corny jokes.

He was so shit-faced. 

I felt the blood drain from my face as I saw two Osama bin Laden-looking men {minus} only the turban, facial hair and rifle had been replaced with khaki water-resistant REI gear and binoculars {minus} and a Middle Eastern woman minus the burqa.

Soooo…she saw three normally-dressed people of Middle Eastern descent, of which there are several million living in the United States and Canada.

The others were disguised as “nature lovers” carrying nondescript backpacks, which they gently laid flat on the table. But I believed they were terrorists.

So this woman saw a group of Middle Easterners on a nature cruise acting normally.  And for some reason, she believed that they were terrorists?  And this is in PI…why?

I didn’t alert my husband, and I’m thankful he was pointing to a bald eagle soaring above as the children were blissfully oblivious to the mortal danger at hand.

I think this is supposed to be satire or something, but I rarely see satire where the author is satirizing herself.  Impressive.

The terrorists were pretending to chat amiably.

What a devious plan! 

I scanned their lumpy backpacks suspecting C4 sticks bundled like fat sausages or a souped-up Russian warhead converted into a dirty suitcase nuke.

Where the hell is Jack Bauer when you need him?!?  

The image was too much and a wave of adrenaline pushed me off the seat.

I would advise this woman not to travel anywhere more exotic than Everett. 

I was an anti-terrorist action figure looking for a tennis-shoe bomb.

A play date with nature turned into a roll in the hay with insanity. 

Underneath their table I assessed two Nikes and a New Balance with triple tied shoelaces.

A-ha! 

Did they really think we were dumb enough to believe they were here for the whales?

I mean, seriously, what kind of a person does that?

I stood in front of their table, face to face with the terrorists.

I can’t imagine why everything has gone so badly in Iraq. 

Instead of fearless courage, a sense of self-preservation transcended.

That’s kind of the same thing, isn’t it? 

I smiled and noticed that one of the men had rainbow-color braces.

OK, now that’s a little weird.

The woman returned my smile, placing her hands on her belly. Was she pregnant? Maybe there was hope after all!

Wouldn’t that just mean that there’s going to be one more terrorist soon?

Instantly, I recalled an article in The New Yorker in which it was highly unusual for a suicide bomber to be a woman.

She reads The New Yorker? 

They recruited mostly angst-filled young men interested in the 72 virgins.

Yeah, I guess the 72 virgins thing doesn’t work well on the girls.

Maybe they were just nature lovers?

Is it possible for people of Middle Eastern descent to have human interests? 

Or was this just another low-tech trick? In the absence of a highly trained super military force like ours, the sacrifice of pregnant women was a testament to their cunning {minus} like the box cutters.

Um, how do you know they’re not American citizens?  If they are, it would be their super military force too. 

Then I realized, of course, there was a primitive bomb taped to her belly made out of a hundred empty lighters and two paperback novels.

That’s a pretty terrible way to make a bomb.

I smiled at my family.

The family wondered if mom took her meds this morning. 

But really I was thinking I had to protect us from these evildoers. Then I wondered, did I just say evildoers? What was happening to me?

I don’t have the faintest goddamn clue.

“Whales! One o’clock!” The captain shouted.

And grabbed another bottle of bourbon.

Everyone stampeded outside. A 12-foot geyser exploded.

The fucking whales were the terrorists!  I never saw that coming! 

Inches from the boat a gray whale pealed its immense body from the surface below, spun a pirouette and plunged back into the cold depths, flapping its tail as if waving goodbye.

Maybe the tail flip was a signal to the terrorists?

Everyone was stunned into one-word exclamations such as “wow!” when a little spout sprayed up and we saw a baby pectoral gliding alongside its mother.

Awwwww.

I can’t rationally explain the tears in my eyes or the way I clamped on tight to my family.

I’m not sure I can rationally explain anything you’ve done on this boat trip. 

Any thoughts of terrorists left my body.

We’ve discovered the key to winning the war on terror.  Whale watching.

I heard a voice behind me.

It usually comes from inside her own head. 

I nodded agreement wiping tears. I knew this voice.

I’m almost in tears myself. 

“This is something really special.”

Indeed.

I turned to see it was one of my terrorists.

And then he set off his detonator.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007 at 8:15 am and is filed under TheHim. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.